Mormon Aspie

It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything here.  It’s not for a lack of things to reflect upon—in fact, I plan to begin a short series called “Music for Aspies”—but simply a lack of motivation.  But the last couple of weeks have reminded me of some points that I think are worth mentioning.

 
Dr. Tony Attwood, in his magnificent book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, mentions that children and adolescents with AS often experience a tremendous amount of bullying at school.  This leads to the development of symptoms commonly associated with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), along with the usual suspects of depression and anxiety.  What differentiates the PTSD symptoms is a combination of paranoia, inability to trust others, and increased isolation beyond that commonly associated with AS.  In my case, my AS-related challenges also contributed to mistreatment by certain people which can only be regarded as abusive. 
 
To focus only on the AS and not deal also with the “collateral damage” which occurs as a consequence of the AS is to only confront one half of the difficulty.  I’ve come to realize that while my Asperger will always be a source of frustration, it shouldn’t be as debilitating as it has been.  In fact, I have been able to deal with the root issues fairly well.  It is the deeply-rooted emotional damage which is a constant source of pain.  I very recently become aware of the following patterns in my own thinking and behavior:
 
·         What mental health practitioners call an “external locus of control”, or a sense of being overly influenced by external elements, rather than internally
·         A deep feeling of shame and thinking that I am inadequate at the core; this is especially damaging because the shame is connected to what I am rather than to any specific thing I have or haven’t done
·         An all-encompassing sense that I am “bad” or broken at the core and should be punished, and a compulsive unwillingness to be happy about anything
·         Inability to trust my own judgment, instead relying on others to do my thinking for me
·         An increasing sense of helplessness and dependence upon other people, accompanied by an ever-diminishing sense of self-reliance
 
This is a depressing pattern, to say the least.  If there is anything positive to say—and I am convinced that there is—it is that I have finally become fully aware of it and am taking some steps to move forward.  In my next post, I will reflect on how I am working to repair the emotional damage which has built up over the years.