Fitting In
A great deal has happened over the last few days (such as my article being published by Meridian Magazine), and hopefully I’ll get back to those events some time soon. Right now, however, I want to focus on an insight I gained from a book which is something that I’ve never considered before. It may have some bearing on my social difficulties.
In order for people to connect, they need to be brought together voluntarily, without coercion; they need to enjoy being together; and they need to share common interests, goals, and principles. This last point is the one that I had never thought of, at least as far as it affects my own behavior with others.
Whenever I get together with other people, and other men in particular, I usually do it out of a sense of need: I need them to help me with something, I need to let them know how I’m feeling, I need their approval, and so on. Of course, this immediately sets us up on an unequal footing; not only am I making demands upon them (whether spoken or implied), but in a way I am making myself their inferior-they have something that I don’t have. Of course, what I really need is mainly to feel better about myself, and since that is something that only I can do, I am asking the impossible of them. As a result, I feel resentful, and they feel put upon. My whole approach is, “Here I am-I’m empty; fill me up!” The larger the group of people (who see each other as equals) I approach in this way, the more lopsided and unequal I see it as being, and to prevent any awkwardness, they just leave me alone.
It would be far better to approach them from a position of strength; in other words, I have something to contribute as well, and as I do so, I will be filled with a sense of belonging, which is what I am looking for all along. Rather than demanding to be made to belong, I can assume that I am equal to the others and everybody can relax and have a good time.
