Mormon Aspie

It’s been quite a while since I have posted anything here.  It’s not for a lack of things to reflect upon—in fact, I plan to begin a short series called “Music for Aspies”—but simply a lack of motivation.  But the last couple of weeks have reminded me of some points that I think are worth mentioning.

 
Dr. Tony Attwood, in his magnificent book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, mentions that children and adolescents with AS often experience a tremendous amount of bullying at school.  This leads to the development of symptoms commonly associated with PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), along with the usual suspects of depression and anxiety.  What differentiates the PTSD symptoms is a combination of paranoia, inability to trust others, and increased isolation beyond that commonly associated with AS.  In my case, my AS-related challenges also contributed to mistreatment by certain people which can only be regarded as abusive. 
 
To focus only on the AS and not deal also with the “collateral damage” which occurs as a consequence of the AS is to only confront one half of the difficulty.  I’ve come to realize that while my Asperger will always be a source of frustration, it shouldn’t be as debilitating as it has been.  In fact, I have been able to deal with the root issues fairly well.  It is the deeply-rooted emotional damage which is a constant source of pain.  I very recently become aware of the following patterns in my own thinking and behavior:
 
·         What mental health practitioners call an “external locus of control”, or a sense of being overly influenced by external elements, rather than internally
·         A deep feeling of shame and thinking that I am inadequate at the core; this is especially damaging because the shame is connected to what I am rather than to any specific thing I have or haven’t done
·         An all-encompassing sense that I am “bad” or broken at the core and should be punished, and a compulsive unwillingness to be happy about anything
·         Inability to trust my own judgment, instead relying on others to do my thinking for me
·         An increasing sense of helplessness and dependence upon other people, accompanied by an ever-diminishing sense of self-reliance
 
This is a depressing pattern, to say the least.  If there is anything positive to say—and I am convinced that there is—it is that I have finally become fully aware of it and am taking some steps to move forward.  In my next post, I will reflect on how I am working to repair the emotional damage which has built up over the years.

“You don’t believe a single word I say;

If I said black was white, you’d say it was gray.”

                                    –Pet Shop Boys, “A Different Point of View”

People who study Asperger’s Syndrome observe that three of the most common challenges we face are: difficulty “reading” people (though recent studies indicate that it may actually be a deficit in self-awareness); a hyperactive sense of morality and justice; and inflexible, black-or-white thinking that seldom allows for nuanced perception or variation of shading between the two extremes.  Put the three together, and the result is interpersonal chaos.

I have seen this in my relations with other people.  Perhaps the most extreme instance, repeated many times over, is my tendency to reduce every interpersonal difference to a moral issue, with me usually on the wrong side of morality (given my habit of taking the blame for everything that goes wrong).  From my perspective, there is no such thing as a mere difference of opinion or a personal preference; there is only good or bad, right or wrong, true or false-and I am nearly always the latter. 

This has often led me to consider myself massively inferior to those around me.  Since they are “normal”, then any degree of any kind of difference between me and them must surely brand me as “abnormal”-and we all know that abnormal is bad, right?

Over the last week or so, I have returned to the book Feeling Good by David Burns-the classic cognitive therapy text.  Probably the greatest contribution Dr. Burns makes in his book is his list of the ten cognitive distortions which we frequently make:

1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see your self as a total failure.
2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.
3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.
4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they “don’t count” for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.
5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.
   1. MIND READING: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don’t bother to check this out
   2. THE FORTUNETELLER ERROR: you can anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.
6. MAGNIFICATION (CATASTROPHIZING) OR MINIMIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else’s achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or other fellow’s imperfections). This is also called the binocular trick.”
7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: “I feel it, therefore it must be true.”
8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with should and shouldn’t, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. “Musts” and “oughts” are also offenders. The emotional consequences are guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.
9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself. “I’m a loser.” When someone else’s behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him” . . . Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.
10. PERSONALIZATION: You see your self as the cause of some negative external event, which in fact you were not primarily responsible for.

Right there, I see myself committing #1 and #10, with #8 strongly implied.  Every time I read over this list, I am reminded that life is far more nuanced and open than I am inclined to believe. 

An additional challenge comes from LDS belief and culture, which emphasizes that many things are black and white, particularly with regard to obedience on one hand and sin on the other.   But in most cases, this only applies where sin is in fact an issue.  Much of what I face on a daily basis, where differences between myself and others are concerned, does not involve sin at all but simply a difference in perspective and behavior. 

I’ve learned to be patient and forbearing with the personality quirks of others; perhaps it is time for me to be as generous with my own.

A great deal has happened over the last few days (such as my article being published by Meridian Magazine), and hopefully I’ll get back to those events some time soon.  Right now, however, I want to focus on an insight I gained from a book which is something that I’ve never considered before.  It may have some bearing on my social difficulties.

In order for people to connect, they need to be brought together voluntarily, without coercion; they need to enjoy being together; and they need to share common interests, goals, and principles.  This last point is the one that I had never thought of, at least as far as it affects my own behavior with others.

Whenever I get together with other people, and other men in particular, I usually do it out of a sense of need:  I need them to help me with something, I need to let them know how I’m feeling, I need their approval, and so on.  Of course, this immediately sets us up on an unequal footing; not only am I making demands upon them (whether spoken or implied), but in a way I am making myself their inferior-they have something that I don’t have.  Of course, what I really need is mainly to feel better about myself, and since that is something that only I can do, I am asking the impossible of them.  As a result, I feel resentful, and they feel put upon.  My whole approach is, “Here I am-I’m empty; fill me up!”  The larger the group of people (who see each other as equals) I approach in this way, the more lopsided and unequal I see it as being, and to prevent any awkwardness, they just leave me alone.

It would be far better to approach them from a position of strength; in other words, I have something to contribute as well, and as I do so, I will be filled with a sense of belonging, which is what I am looking for all along.  Rather than demanding to be made to belong, I can assume that I am equal to the others and everybody can relax and have a good time. 

What were some of the specific characteristics noted by Dr. Asperger and clarified by his successors? While AS is a multifaceted condition and far from being “one size fits all,” several traits are likely to be found in those with AS. They may not appear significant when considered individually; taken together, however, the effect is striking and an indication that Asperger’s Syndrome may well be present. The following characteristics are taken from the 1991 Gillberg Diagnostic Criteria, which were the first “official” criteria published and are still the guidelines of choice for a great many clinicians.¹

• Social difficulties: This sense of isolation is perhaps the most common, prominent feature of AS. Much like the cage that enclosed the canary, there is some sort of barrier which stands between those with AS and their peers. Though nearly invisible, it is very real. Like the baseball player who reaches out to catch the ball but never quite manages to, Asperger individuals are reaching out to connect with people but are forever missing that connection. Much of this difficulty is a result of being unable to “read” people and to pick up on the subtle social cues which are such an important element of interpersonal relationships. The important thing to remember is that unlike individuals with “classic” autism, who are often socially indifferent, those with Asperger’s want to connect with others and experience significant frustration due to their inability to do so. In addition, a lack of understanding of appropriate social conduct combined with a tendency to impulsive behavior is a common source of conflict with non-AS people who do not understand these challenges.
• A limited range of interests with intense focus: An Asperger individual will often display what seems like an excessive fascination, bordering on obsession, with memorizing (and reciting) facts such as local bus schedules or the comings and goings of Halley’s Comet over the last five hundred years, to the exclusion of almost all else. The resulting paradox is that while the AS person is an object of wonder and admiration for this encyclopedic knowledge in the area of expertise, he or she is also considered “odd,” “eccentric,” and “unbalanced.” Associates frequently become bored with repeated airings of information which they find uninteresting and will avoid the AS individual, contributing to further isolation.
• Underdeveloped fine and gross motor skills: Many children are physically awkward, particularly as they approach adolescence. This is normal, but most outgrow it and find their bearings. On the other hand, people with AS frequently experience chronic difficulty with basic motor skills–such as catching a ball or walking in a straight line. This has significant social consequences for children, especially boys, who are often judged based on their physical prowess and may be labeled as “gay” or “sissy” if they show a lack of aptitude in sports and games.
• Cognitive challenges: While individuals with AS are frequently quite intelligent, as evidenced by their ability to memorize facts, there is often difficulty in applying their knowledge and seeing the “big picture.” Their verbal and grammatical skills often range from the normal to the superior, but again may be expressed without a larger context. Poor organizational skills may also be a factor. Adults and peers without a proper understanding of the condition may conclude that the AS person is either “stupid” or “lazy” and may even tell the person so. As a result, the affected party frequently comes to accept the labels and begins applying them to himself or herself.
• Poor sensory integration: One of the more enigmatic aspects of AS (along with autism, ADHD, and other neurological disorders) is difficulty with sensory integration. In brief, this means that the individual with the disorder experiences “overload” with regard to one or more of the senses. Some are overly sensitive to loud noises, others to textures, and still others to the sensation of being in a large group of people. This can also have an effect when one or more senses are combined. For example, some people with AS can either listen to somebody who is talking to them or look at them, but cannot do both at the same time; the combined effect is too overwhelming.² This may be a key factor in the lack of eye contact which is notorious among people with Asperger’s Syndrome.
• Emotional problems: The continued sense of social isolation, coupled with teasing and bullying, often leads to feelings of depression and anxiety. Navigating the interpersonal dynamics of school, church, or even home can be a social and emotional minefield.The fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and of the possible repercussions, is often so great that a full-blown anxiety disorder develops at a young age. As the anxiety continues and increases, the overtaxed brain is at risk of collapsing under the weight of the stress, resulting in depression.³

Because of the various “side issues” associated with Asperger’s Syndrome, it is frequently misdiagnosed as clinical depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, and other conditions. While treatments for these may be of help, they do not address AS as a whole. Since there is no magic cure-no pill, no surgery, no therapy-it is essential for the AS person to find a counselor who is familiar with Asperger’s Syndrome as well as the other disorders and who is willing to take the time to sort through the symptoms so as to make an accurate diagnosis.

Notes

1. The more controversial and restrictive DSM-IV criteria of the American Psychiatric Association are currently under revision and are expected to match more closely the Gillberg criteria. The latter are believed to resemble more accurately the characteristics originally observed by Hans Asperger. The DSM-V is scheduled for publication in 2011, according to the timeline at http://www.dsm5.org/timeline.cfm. On the possibility of revising the criteria for DSM-V, see page 4 of “Asperger Syndrome Grows Up” at http://www.aspires-relationships.com/Asperger_Syndrome_Grows_Up.pdf.)

2. Juanita P.Lovett, Solutions for Adults with Aspeger’s Syndrome, p. 81

3. See Dr. W. Dean Belnap’s article “How the Brain/Body Reacts to Anxiety and Stress” at http://www.meridianmagazine.com/ideas/060127brain.html)

Due to the increased attention which Asperger’s Syndrome¹ has been receiving over the last ten years in an ever-increasing volume of books, magazine and newspaper articles, radio and television interviews, and even a feature film, one may suspect that it is a fairly recent development-the “disability du jour.“²  As a matter of fact, it was “discovered” in 1944 by Hans Asperger, a Viennese pediatrician who noticed a series of unusual traits and behavior patterns in a group of children whom he was observing.   He referred to this syndrome as “Autistic Personality Disorder” and little was said about it outside of pediatric and academic circles until 1981.³

That year British psychiatrist Lorna Wing, recognizing that some of the autistic children with traits similar to those observed by Dr. Asperger had higher language capabilities and higher functional capacity in general, renamed the condition Asperger’s Syndrome (AS) to distinguish these children from those with “low-functioning” autism.  She published her findings in a groundbreaking paper which attracted the attention of neurologists, pediatricians, and behavioral scientists.  The first diagnostic criteria were published in 1989, and by 1994 Asperger’s Syndrome was officially recognized by both the World Health Organization and the American Psychiatric Association, both of which published information on the disorder in their textbooks.  By 2000 Asperger’s Syndrome had been featured in an ever-growing stream of books, articles, media interviews, and websites.⁴

Notes
1. A helpful overview of Asperger’s Syndrome (abbreviated AS), including the common symptoms and their effects, can be found at http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/ad.html.  Dr. Attwood is one of the world’s leading authorities on AS.  For a comprehensive treatment on AS, the interested reader is referred to his book The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome.

2. http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=3802533&page=1

3. Tony Attwood, The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, p. 12-13

4. Attwood, p. 35-36

Brains

Well then he said to him

i don’t know but you think that i’m just spaced out of my head

And he took his brain out of his head

To examine it with his microscope.

Well when he took his brain out of his head

He felt dead with shock

Because his brain was like at least ten times bigger than his head was

And it had his name engraved upon it.

His name only.

Then the other guy he took his brain out

But he couldn’t find it very easily

Because it was so tiny

And he wasn’t even sure if it was his anyway.

And he said that it wasn’t fair…

I have a conviction deep down in my heart that we are exactly what we should be, each one of us, except as we may have altered that pattern by deviating from the laws of God here in mortality. I have convinced myself that we all have those peculiar attributes, characteristics, and abilities which are essential for us to possess in order that we may fulfil the full purpose of our creation here upon this earth…

…[T]hat allotment which has come to us from God is a sacred allotment. It is something of which we should be proud, each one of us in our own right, and not wish that we had somebody else’s allotment. Our greatest success comes from being ourselves.

I think that we can console ourselves best by believing that whatever is our allotment in life… the Lord has been wise and just, and I might add, merciful, in giving to us that which we need to accomplish the particular purpose of our call.

                                    –Elder Henry D. Moyle, Conference Report, October 1952

One day, while window shopping, a man saw an item that caught his eye with its exquisite beauty.  Upon further examination, he saw that it was a case made out of perfectly smooth crystal.  He strode into the shop and asked the shopkeeper what the gorgeous object was.
 
The shopkeeper proudly proclaimed, “It is a crystal birdcage, and you can’t beat the price.”

Already enchanted by its beauty, the man purchased the cage and eagerly took it home to display for all to see.

The next day he bought a yellow canary and was charmed by its delightful song.  At first his attention was divided between the bird itself and the delicate case housing it.  However, his focus eventually shifted from the birdcage, which he soon forget was even there, to the sweet music emanating from the canary.

The bird, however, came to realize that while it had everything it needed-food, water, air-the cage prevented it from contacting the world outside.  Was anybody even listening to its song?  After numerous fruitless attempts to move beyond the confines of the cage and to reach out to its surroundings, it learned to accept its limitations.  In time it tired of listening to its own voice and the song died away.

In many ways, the experiences of individuals with the enigmatic condition called Asperger’s Syndrome are not so different from that of the canary.  While possessing their own unique strengths and attributes, they seem isolated from the world around them in ways that they, and those with whom they come in contact, cannot quite identify.  The key is to help them work with those strengths within the bounds of their limitations and to learn how to sing again.

If I have learned anything of value, apart from our eternal relationship with our Divine Father and the redeeming mission of our Savior, Jesus Christ, it is that the Lord, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, has given us precisely that bundle of goodies which will enable us to best fulfill our mission in mortality as we seek to learn and implement His principles throughout our journey.

However, some of these “goodies” may come disguised as “baddies.”  It is only through faith in our Heavenly Father and in His love for us that we can find the gems buried beneath layers of pain and confusion.  Paradoxically, it is the voyage of discovery itself, unpleasant as it may seem, that brings the priceless jewel-our refined soul-into existence.  This is not to minimize the pain nor to mitigate the guilt of those who may have inflicted suffering upon us; rather, it is meant to inspire hope in those who are in the midst of the process and who have yet to discover the sublime blessings of pain and the joys that can come into our lives as a result. 

These gifts come in many forms.  For some it may be an obvious physical handicap; for others, a severely dysfunctional family.  It may even be a convergence of several factors which provides its own unique set of challenges.  However, if we can maintain faith in our Heavenly Father’s providential purposes for our lives, remembering that “all things work together for good to them that love God” (Romans 8:28) then we can observe the miracle of perfection working in us as we become what the Lord means for us to be.